Linda: Arranged Marriages March 20 and March 28

Arranged Marriages

In India, there are two kinds of marriages: love marriages and arranged marriages. This has become a frequent topic of conversation once I know someone for a little while. I think it is because I am older, because I am western, because I am a mother, and because they see me with Eleanor and enjoy and appreciate our relationship. I am, therefore, “safe” to talk to. I am told that 95% of the marriages in India are arranged, but because of the influence of television and Hollywood and even Bollywood, the “idea” of a love marriage is now part of the general mentality of young people. It is not something they entertain as a real possibility, but, I think it will become more of a possibility for the next generation and will often lead to great distress and instability within the families. It would mark a significant and deep rooted change in attitude and priorities and social structures with many, many repercussions on every possible level.

It is a very complicated subject, the complexity of which I am only beginning to appreciate. First, one must understand what is positive about arranged marriages, as they should be and as they often are. Yes, there are exceptions. Yes, there are marriages that are arranged just for a family to receive the bride’s dowry. There are unfortunate marriages, difficult marriages, and abusive marriages, but that is not the norm and is not because of the marriage having been arranged. The happiness rate in relationships is, overall, very, very high, and the Vedic verses are quite detailed on what is important in a relationship. For example, the advice to a man is to know that a woman wants to be listened to. She wants to be understood, she wants to be heard, and she wants her opinions to matter. According to the Vedas, if a man does not consider his wife in this way, he is not a virtuous husband. And the advice to a woman is to understand that a man wants to be respected, appreciated, and admired, and to be shown that respect, appreciation, and admiration. It is what vivifies him and makes him happy.

Arranged marriages are not random. Parents deeply love their children and want them to be secure and happy. They know that part of their happiness will be in a relationship that is safe and nurturing and stimulating. Great care is taken to introduce young people to one another whom the parents think will be suitable for them. Family is very, very important here. It is usual for the woman to go and live in the family home of her new husband, so having a familial background similar to her new home is critical to her future happiness and to the husband’s family as well. Education, experience, caste/religion, income, and family are all considered, but what is most important is the character of the bride or groom. Potential suitors come to meet the family, and both children have some say in whether they are interested in someone or not. If both families are happy and an interest is there in the couple, an auspicious day is determined for the betrothal and then for the wedding. At that time, the couple will see each other through family gatherings, or, if separated, communicate by phone or email.

It is often true, however, that the couple will not know each other very well before the marriage. And this is the truly beautiful part that I have seen here, many times. After the marriage, the new husband and new wife are determined to make the other person happy. It is not about what they want, but what would be pleasurable for the other. This idea is steeped into them. It is part of their being.

I think of one of the people here at the Cultural Center who makes all of our arrangements and sees to all of our needs. We were speaking one night, and he was telling me about the first years of his marriage. Because of his work and his experiences, he has a wider knowledge of the world than his wife. She has had a quiet, traditional country upbringing. He wanted to show her the city, to share this possibility with her. Every care was made for her comfort when they visited Chennai together. But she was not happy. She found the city overwhelming and uncomfortable for her. Her husband realized that this was so for her. He has renounced going to the city for the sake of her comfort and well being. Another time, he wanted to take her to the ocean. Though it is quite close, she has never been. One day, he takes her there, and quietly busies himself with the blanket and picnic lunch so she can have a few moments to herself to take it all in. How incredibly thoughtful and caring! And then, to his utter delight, he turns around and sees his new wife, up to her thighs in the water, playing joyfully with two little children. His eyes were still glistening when he told this, though it took place over a year ago. He said that he knew then that he had a very special wife. He loved this in her. He loved when she went on the bike with him, though it frightened her a bit. He loves sharing this beautiful world with her. Slowly, through this kind of thoughtfulness, love blossoms.

And then there was our friend in Kumily and his wife. They have been married for two years, and I had the delightful pleasure of meeting her after he had been away for three days. When I visited Kumily the second time, I was invited into their home. There was no forewarning for his wife, either, as there is no phone! But in India, this is the norm. If you have a home, food is always on hand or close by. I arrive and see the vibrant and childlike joy in this woman’s face when her husband returns home. I see his pride in bringing me to his home to meet his wife. Photographs of their wedding are brought out, tea is served, a baby is dangling on my knee (that was delightful), Fadish, the husband, disappears to get a few things for dinner and soon a meal of chapattis and curry is served. I eat alone while I am served and entertained by Fadish and his wife. They will eat together later. And while I eat, we talk of family and holiday. Fadish gets his income through the tourist industry in Kumily. In July there is often a slow season where there is no work. Fadish hopes to take his wife and daughter to see some family members at that time. I innocently ask if they will see his wife’s family as well. “OH! She exclaims. Can we?” She looks at him and holds him and bounces with delight and anticipation. His face is laughing. “Well, it is very hot there. Maybe it won’t be good for the baby.” More interchanges and laughter. Somehow, I think she will get her way – although, it is the husband’s decision. Fadish takes me back to the hotel, eager to return to his beautiful wife and simple home.

And so it is. For most of the young men with whom I spoke, it was a relief to not have to worry about finding a wife. They have absolutely no idea how to go about it and the idea is quite overwhelming. They are quite happy to do their work and let their parents search. Then, they will see. I have spoken with fewer women on this subject, so I am not sure what they would say. It would be an interesting question to pursue.

Though we in the west choose the ones we want to marry, I cannot say that the marriages are either happier or less happy than they are in India. (Certainly, the dating process can be painful!) Again, I speak of normal marriages and not the tragic ones – it is only fair to compare apples and apples. There is a visceral reaction in the west to think that Indian marriages are, for women, stifling and terrible. It is not what I have seen, though women have much, much less independence here. But that is not due to the arranged part of the marriage; that is due to social need and precedent. Marriage is sacred, and the participation of the husband and wife is essential in the performance of daily devotion and prayer. Both are necessary. Both are incomplete without the other - at least in this stage of life. Marriage is an opportunity for virtue, self-sacrifice, trust, and respect. It is about family, not self. It builds character – in India as well as in America.

Note from Jaisalmer
This is indeed a complex subject – of interest here as in everywhere. Here in the far off city of Jaisalmer, arranged marriages are absolutely the norm, and only in the most educated families will the couple meet – after the engagement, and then, only within a family circle. And yet, in all conversations, couples are happy and consider this the best of arrangements. There is so much more to discover regarding this vital and integral part of Indian society, for it is all of Indian society and is not based on economics, caste, religion, or region. It is, vitally, Indian. And utterly fascinating.